Special Brownies
by Mortichai
Summary: Ed found something he really shouldn't have. And now he's drug Al into it. What trouble will these two get into? Warning: Violence, violation, minor Elricest, and now he's seeing flying blue balls of light... Named Fred.


**Just about each paragraph is a different POV but it's easily recognizable by either who's speaking or whose name is mentioned. If it gets too confusing, let me know in a review and I might revise it.**

Ed burst into the Colonel's office in a particularly sour mood. "WHERE IS THAT BASTARD OF A COLONEL?" He looked to Riza, no reply. "WHERE THE HELL IS HE?" Ed glared at her and she sighed. She gestured to the door across the hall.

He stomped in and threw open the doors. "WHAT THE HELL COLONEL BASTARD?" He yelled. But Roy was nowhere in sight. He was smart enough to run while he still could. Ed turned to leave, but stopped mid stride. _What is that?_ He sniffed the air. _The hell?_ He sniffed it again. It was certainly nothing he'd ever smelled before. It was odd, a combination of chocolate and a musty scent. He followed his nose to a desk drawer. I pulled it open and he found the last thing he would have expected.

Brownies. Rich, dark, chocolaty brownies. But they smelled funny. They weren't like the ones Al made at home, no. They were quite different.

They tasted different too. He chewed slowly. His eyes widened and a big dumb-ass happy grin spread across his face. After the first bite, he shoved two more in his mouth. They were just so damn delicious! He inhaled half the batch before feeling sick. His hand shot up to his mouth and he burped. He began to feel dizzy and colors swirled around him. The floor heaved and Ed tumbled to the ground. The room spun and he felt no control over his limbs. When he tried to lift his arm, he ended up hitting himself in the face. "Gah-err-ow…" Very incoherent.

Bouts of color hurled themselves across the ceiling. One in particular caught Ed's eye. He looked up from where he lay as the little ball of blue light flew out of the room. He panicked. "COME BACK FRED!" Apparently, its name was Fred.

Ed pulled himself up and stumbled after Fred. He ran into the door frame, then the door.

He fell into a desk, and ended up on the floor. He sat up and rubbed his stomach where the desk had hit. That'll leave a bruise.

"Brother, are you okay?" Ed looked up to find an incredibly hot lady standing across the room.

He swayed as he walked toward her. He rested a hand on her shoulder. "Y-You're pretty." The lady stared back looking oh-so-sexy.

Al stared back in shock.

Ed leaned in.

Al was horrified to find his brother's lips crushed up against his own. He pulled away furiously. "Ew, Ed! What the hell?" He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and rubbed it on his pants. Ick, Ed spit. _Great, my first kiss and it had to be my brother…_

"Hey, lady. Can you help me find my friend Fred?" Ed asked. He leaned in to kiss her again, but she pushed him away. "Aw, c'mon. Don't be like that." The pretty lady wasn't being very cooperative.

"What's wrong with you, Brother? And who's Fred?" Al asked. Ed wobbled and he had to catch him. He lowered Ed to the ground. He'd be safer there.

"Ooo… Straight to the point, I see." Ed reached up pulled her down by the collar of her shirt. She resisted, but he finally got her down to his level.

Al sat next to his brother, Ed still clinging to his collar. Ed pulled him closer, but Al used his feet to keep a safe distance between them. Ed finally gave up and let go. With his stretched out shirt, Al got up to get his brother some water. _Why is he acting like this? It isn't normal. At least, I sure as hell hope it won't become normal. _Al looked to his brother who was still lying on the ground. He was propped up on his elbow and he was using his other hand to wave Al over seductively with a grin spread across his face. Al swallowed the feeling to throw up.

Al held the water out. "Drink this."

The lady was holding out a fire cracker. "What? How the hell do you drink a _firecracker?"_ He shoved it away and the explosive powder spilled all over the floor.

Al stepped away as the water sloshed out of the cup.

"Ah! Don't light any fires!" Ed scampered away behind an elephant.

"Fire?" The curvy and voluptuous lady stepped toward Ed. He wiped the drool from his mouth as she approached.

He grinned. "You, me, right now." Ed patted the desk. The lady gave him a seductive smirk and held up her hands as if to say 'I'm yours'.

Al held up his hands and shook them vigorously, his head swaying from head side to side. Horror twisted his otherwise angelic features.

Ed stepped to her and reached around to grab her ass.

"Ed!" Al yelped. He spun away and stepped behind a desk, his ass covered by a chair. "Brother, I don't know what's wrong with you, but there's certainly nothing between us." Al couldn't believe how ridiculous he sounded, seeing as this was his brother he was talking to.

"What are you saying? Do you not love me anymore?" Ed placed a hand over his heart as it shattered beneath his fingers. His nails dug into the fabric of his shirt as tears streamed down his face.

Mood swings!

And Al noticed. He needed to calm Ed down before he hurt someone or himself. If he got mad, there's no telling where it will lead to. Al pictured the city in ruins. Fires everywhere and bodies scattered among the streets like confetti. He shuddered and reeled his mind back to reality. "Ed, of course I love you. Just, not like that. I love you like a brother, _my_ brother." The emphasis suggested nothing more. Just his brother. No incest here. Just _brotherly_ love.

"Oh, I see." His face fell, but the tears ceased. "So there's someone else?" He whispered.

"What? No, I—"

"Don't lie to me! Where is he? Is it him?" Ed pointed to a man in white robes. The man grinned and crossed his arms. Yep, definitely guilty. "It is him!"

Al looked to the lamp Ed had pointed to. "Err…" He looked back to Ed cautiously. "Who?"

"Him! Right there!" Ed furiously pointed to the man. The man was almost glowing. It hurt Ed's eyes to look at him for too long.

"Ed, that's a lamp." Al's hand hit his forehead. _Sigh… Brother has issues. _But it was a little late. Ed was shaking the lamp exclaiming, "Stay away from my girl! She's mine, ya here me?" He threw the lamp to the floor.

A crash ended the fight. Ed grinned and watched at the pool of red that began to form from the man's broken skull.

Ed turned with the evil grin still in place. Al had never seen such a grin other than on Envy. He was debating whether to attack, or stay put. _What if it really is Envy? What if it isn't and Brother just mastered the evil Envy grin?_ "Ed, calm down. The, uh, _man_ is dead. No need to worry about me now, okay?" If he played along, maybe, just maybe, Ed would stop acting so weird.

Ed's grin vanished. He seemed to become deep in thought. "Oh!" He remembered. "Hey lady, I found some brownies earlier. You want one?"

Al nodded slowly and followed Ed as he stepped through the door. Ed held the door open and directed him to the office across the hall. "Right this way." Ed nodded and gestured to the desk. Al stepped to it and immediately noticed an odd smell.

"What is that?" Al asked.

"That's the brownies." Ed opened the drawer and the tray of brownies were still there.

Al gasped. "Did you eat any of these?"

Ed looked to the lady. "Yeah, they're really yummy. Try one!" He said as he shoved one in her mouth.

Al choked and was about to spit the sweet out, when he noticed something. They tasted amazing! He blinked in surprise and picked up the tray. He finished his brownie and started another. And another. And another. Until finally, the six that were left had been eaten. The room began to spin and colors burst in every direction. Al watched in awe. "Whoa…" He looked across the room to a singing fire hydrant.

Ed sat cross legged singing the familiar tune. "I'm a pretty butterfly—"

Al recognized it and joined in. "Flying low and flying high."

Ed stopped to listen to the lady sing. Her voice was beautiful and he was mesmerized by the melody that left her lips and filled his ears. "Higher than the morning sky." She sang. Ed completed the duet once again. "Lower than the evening tide."

They were rudely interrupted by someone screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?"

Al gasped. "Ssh… It's a giraffe! I'ma go pet it." Al left the fire hydrant to further investigate the giraffe. "You're far from home, aren't ya? It's okay, am not gon' hurt ya."

He held up a hand as a sign of peace. He gently stoked the muzzle of the great beast.

Al's slurring was hard to understand, but it got through. "Why the hell are you petting me, Alphonse?" Mustang jerked away from Al's hand.

Al's face contorted with rage. "Bad giraffe!" He hit the giraffe over the head with a cat.

The textbook Al had hit him with was heavy enough to stop a truck. "Ow! What the hell, Al?" He staggered backward and shock splayed across his face. _Since when is Alphonse this violent? What's gotten into him?_

Why was the sexy lady conversing with the giraffe? Was he trying to steal her, too? "Not if I can help it!" He though aloud. He stumbled toward her and swung her over the shoulder, fireman style.

"Wee!" Al said. He then proceeded to make airplane noises while holding his arms out like wings.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Mustang yelled. His face fell into horror. _The brownies!_ He ran and threw open the desk drawer. They were gone. The brownies… gone. _Then that means…_

"Wee! Wee!" Was heard throughout Command. "Wee!"

He stopped abruptly and set her on the ground. He sat next to the lady and leaned on her shoulder. "You're really heavy."

"Stupid fire hydrant!" Al smacked it upside the head with another cat. Where were all these cats coming from?

The chair clattered to the ground after connecting with Ed's skull.

"OW! Not cool!" Ed complained while rubbing his head. The doors burst open. It was that damn giraffe! "I hope you're not back to steal my girl, 'cause she's mine!"

"Wha—? I'm not going to steal anything!" The giraffe protested. Ed wrapped a protective arm around the lady.

Al hugged the fire hydrant back. "Aw, I love you too!" He kissed the red object.

Ed felt warm lips on his cheek and blushed. "See! See! She's _mine!"_

_Holy shit. What have they gotten themselves into?_ Mustang thought. "Alright, Ed. I'm not going to steal, uh, _her_. Just answer me one question."

Ed glared at the tall beast. "Mm-hmm, go on."

Roy thought Ed should be petting a kitty evilly from the tone of his voice and the look he was giving him. "Err… right well, did you happen across a tray of brownies and eat them?"

"Yeah, me and her both did." He gestured to the lady who was now nuzzled into his neck.

"Oh thank God. I thought it was something serious, like a gas leak." The giraffe stepped cautiously over to the pair and Ed's grip tightened.

"She's mine, go away!" Ed stuck a foot out to trip the giraffe, but he jumped out of the way.

"Ed, I'm not going to take her, I promise." The giraffe protested. Ed did not trust him. He continued to glare at it. Maybe if he made it uncomfortable enough, maybe it would just go away. It seemed to be working.

Mustang squirmed under Ed's gaze. "Um, I'll be right back." Mustang left the room to find Riza. He found her coming from the opposite direction, heading toward the office. "Oh, Riza. Just the person I wanted to see. We have a situation with the Elrics. Follow me."

Riza nodded and did what she was told. "Ah, if I may ask, what'd they do this time?" She expected major injuries, or even death, but what she got was worse.

"The boys… Well, they're uh, they're high. They found the brownies I made, for me and you (wink wink), and well they kind of ate them. All." He said sheepishly.

"They… WHAT?" She inched toward her gun. She was furious with the boys for being so stupid, but even more furious with Roy for leaving the brownies out where they could find them. She threw open the doors and marched into the room. Her eyes grew wide and she had to suppress the urge to laugh, or start fuming… or both.

"Wawawawawawa!" The boys were patting their hand against their mouth making traditional Native American ritual noises. They danced around a small fire formed from documents that had probably needed to be returned. Well, that ship's sailed.

"What the hell?" She said, too stunned to really raise her voice.

The two stopped together and looked at the intruder. "BRITISH!" Al yelled. They began slinging arrows at the gunman. "Pew pew pew!"

The wads of paper catapulted by rubber bands bounced harmlessly against her Riza.

"More ammo!" Al handed the fire hydrant more arrows. He took small trees he had found and crushed them into pointed weapons. "For a fire hydrant, you have good aim." Al marveled.

Ed flexed his bicep to show off his guns. "You like?" He grinned at the lady's sparkling eyes.

Al wasn't exactly sure how to respond, so he simply nodded and handed the fire hydrant more arrows.

"_Diiiiiie!"_ Ed shot more of the weapons at the gunman who was advancing at them, slowly but surely.

"Gah! Stop it, Ed! And put out that fire!" Riza glared at them. When the boys failed to follow out the order, she walked to the fire and stomped it out herself.

"Treason!" Ed leaped and landed on the red coat's back and pulled on his hair. "Die, military man! The gods don't like you and I want my toaster back!"

"Ow, Ed! Get off me!" She fell back and on top of the teenager. She landed so hard that Ed passed out. Riza stood after untangling herself and looked to Al.

His eyes were misty. _Must. Not. Show. Weakness!_ He wiped away the tears. "You killed the fire hydrant, you bastard!" He charged at the man, fist ready. "Grraaaaahh!" The swing connected and hit the man square in the chest.

She gasped in agony. She collapsed with her arms folded. "Alphonse, that… That really hurt!" She had to try ever so hard to keep the tears from flowing. Her expression hardened and she looked up to glare at the panting boy. "You little…" In a flash, she was up and had Al's arm twisted behind his back. He paused enough for her to let her guard down and pulled free to spin and hit her in the side.

The British gunman doubled over once more. With an evil grin and eyes menacing, he kicked the man in the stomach. He cried out. "That's for the fire hydrant!"

Riza coughed. "Al, please. Stop. Stop hitting me! I'm trying to help you!"

"Help me? How is this helping me? You killed my friend, and now you're trying to brainwash me!" Al was furious. How _dare_ he say such despicable words.

"He… He isn't dead. He's just unconscious. I promise. Go check." _Take the bait, take the bait._

Al glared skeptically, but turned to see for himself. _Yes!_ Riza took this chance to leap up and cuff Al. She spun him around and pushed him into a chair where she cuffed his legs to the chair's.

He was a prisoner. They were probably going to torture him until he died. "No! Let me go! Don't torture me!" The soldier grinned and put a gun to Al's head.

Riza placed a hand on Al's cheek. "Al, look at me. I'm not going to hurt you." The door clicked open behind her.

The gunman clicked the gun to fire. Al's eyes widened. "No! Don't kill me! I'm too young to die!" He flailed violently and ended up head butting the British soldier.

"Ow!" Her hand flew to her forehead. Then an odd sensation grew around her neck. She felt pressure tightening around her throat and it became hard to breathe. She reached up and felt cool metal. The other hand touched soft skin. She dug her nails into the flesh arm, but she was weakening, along with her strength. "Can't… Breathe." She whispered.

About to slip into unconsciousness, Riza saw Mustang do a double take and spit out his coffee. He rushed over and pried the blonde's hands from Riza's neck. Which, got him a swift kick to the gut from the deranged boy. Roy fell to his knees as he gripped his stomach.

"I said, stay away!" Ed stood towering over the collapsed colonel.

"I-I only want… To help you, Edward." Mustang was barely able to get out due to the pain. "Please, you have to believe me!"

A memory flashed in Ed's mind. It was one of him and his brother fighting.

"_Brother, I didn't take the horse. I promise!"_

Ed had accused Alphonse of taking his favorite toy, a little brown horse.

"_I know you took it, Al. Now where is it?" _Ed took his brother by the collar of his shirt and held him to his face.

Al began to sob for fear that his brother might hurt him to the extent of bruising and bleeding, which he hadn't done before. But, given the circumstances, he just might. Al knew it was his favorite toy, and being the sweet boy he was, he would never cross that line. He sobbed, _"Please, you have to believe me!"_

And he did.

Ed rushed to the giraffe at full speed, arms wide. "Oh, Al. I've missed you so much!" The giraffe had shifted and Ed sobbed as he clung to his long lost brother. Wait, since when was he long lost?

"Ed," Roy sighed, "I'm not your brother."

"Y-You're disowning me? Is that even possible? Oh, Al! Why are you being so cruel?" Ed spun around and proceeded to seek comfort in the now paralyzed lady.

Mustang pinched the bridge of his nose.

The lady's arms were frozen together and attached to a jail cell door. An evil grin spread across his face. "Now I've got you right where I want you."

Al looked up. It was the fire hydrant! "You're alive?"

Ed scoffed. "No frickin' der herr herr!" His grin faded, though. He wanted to do… things, evil things to the lady. Hehe… "You okay?"

The fire hydrant looked worried, so Al tried to reassure it. "GAAAAHH! Get me out of here! The bugs are eatin' mah braaaaaiin!" Yes, very reassuring. He felt them crawl inot his ear and begin munching on his innards.

After being kicked, punched, and choked, Riza had had about enough. She stood and marched over to the boys. Al was furiously trying to shake off the "bugs" while Ed was running in a circle flailing his arms like fool screaming, "They got me, they got me!"

She just about ripped his arms off getting them into the cuffs. "Now sit!" She demanded. He obeyed like a poor beaten puppy. She stared hard at both of them. "You listen here, and you listen good. If you ever, _ever_ pull any shit like this again, I will personally pump your stomach with a gardening hose. Do you understand?" Her cold anger was more frightening then her opening fire.

The boys nodded.

"Roy, get them into the infirmary with an IV drip and some restraints." Mustang, though not unaware that she had used his first name, decided to let it go and follow out his "orders". He pulled Ed, then Al, to their feet.

As soon as they were up, they were pushing and pulling, trying to break free. Riza fired her gun. They immediately stopped. Their heads turned slowly in unison to the sharp shooter. They each gulped and looked to the door. Nodding in agreement, the two ran from the office and down the hall to the infirmary.

"Follow them."

"Yes, ma'am."

Ed ogled at the lady as she ran.

Al was tripping over his own two feet.

When they were set in a room, they were hesitant about the IVs, but took them anyway. The restraints, however, were not an easy deal to bargain with.

Two bruised nurses later, the doctor decided to give up on that.

They fell asleep to swirling colors, and awoke to a massive headache. Al clasped a hand over his temple. His vision blurred, and cleared again. "Ow, what happened?" He turned to Ed who was hunched over a tray of food. "Brother, what are you doing?"

His mouth was full, so he was hard to understand. But Al's eyes widened to what he heard. "Atin' browneesh, wan shum?"


End file.
